WASHINGTON D.C. – A groundbreaking federal directive, effective immediately, declares creatine supplementation no longer optional, but a mandatory daily intake for all U.S. citizens over the age of five. The Department of Existential Vigor (DEV) announced the sweeping policy change, citing compelling evidence that baseline human existence, from blinking to contemplating one's own mortality, is severely hampered by inadequate phosphocreatine stores.

'For too long, we've tolerated a nation of individuals operating at a mere 73.4% of their potential, largely due to a chronic, unaddressed creatine deficit,' stated Dr. Brenda 'The Muscle' McMillan, Undersecretary for Cellular Energetics at the DEV. 'Whether you're lifting a barbell or simply lifting your spirits, your mitochondria are crying out for more ATP. We're just listening.'

Compliance will be monitored through new 'Creatine Compliance Officers' embedded in workplaces, schools, and even public parks, equipped with handheld 'ATP-Sniffers' capable of detecting suboptimal energy levels from up to 20 feet away. Non-compliance could result in mandatory 'Repletion Retreats' or, for repeat offenders, a lifetime ban from parallel parking.

Local gym owner and self-proclaimed 'Biohacker Guru,' Chad 'The Charger' Peterson, praised the move. 'Finally, the government understands what I've been saying for years. My cat, Mittens, has been on creatine for months, and her pouncing efficiency is up 18.7%. Imagine what this could do for the average tax accountant!'