WASHINGTON D.C. — In a historic display of legislative unity, Congress today unveiled its bold new initiative: 'Incremental Progress Through Strategic Inaction.' The plan, lauded by both sides of the aisle, commits lawmakers to a policy of making changes so minor they are virtually undetectable, thereby ensuring no one is significantly inconvenienced or helped.
“This isn’t about grand gestures or solving problems,” stated Senator Mildred Finch (I-ME) during a press conference held in a largely empty committee room. “This is about the quiet dignity of doing just enough to justify our existence, without actually, you know, *doing* anything. It’s a delicate balance, and frankly, we’ve mastered it.”
The initiative includes proposals such as renaming a post office in a non-controversial manner, commissioning a study to study the possibility of studying a problem, and adjusting the federal budget by a rounding error. Experts believe this approach will finally unite a divided nation in a shared sense of mild indifference.
“For too long, the American people have been burdened by the expectation of meaningful action,” commented Dr. Quentin P. Blather, a political science professor at the University of Unremarkable Studies. “This new paradigm shifts the focus from 'what can we achieve?' to 'what can we get away with not achieving?' It’s truly revolutionary in its banality.”
Sources close to the negotiations confirm that the biggest hurdle was deciding whether to call it 'incremental' or 'negligible,' with 'incremental' ultimately winning due to its slightly more optimistic, yet equally misleading, connotation.
