BOSTON – In a bold new move to eradicate what it terms 'crippling emotional realism,' global conglomerate OmniCorp announced yesterday the implementation of mandatory 'Joy Quotas' for all employees. Effective immediately, staff members are now required to log a minimum of 7.3 positive emotional expressions per day, ranging from 'enthusiastic nodding' to 'spontaneous, unprompted laughter at a corporate memo.'

“We’ve observed a disturbing 17% increase in 'knowing glances' and a 23% rise in 'audible sighs' over the last fiscal quarter,” stated Dr. Felicity Sparkle, OmniCorp’s newly appointed Chief Emotional Wellness Enforcer. “Our data indicates a direct correlation between these cynical behaviors and a 0.002% dip in Q3 synergy metrics. This simply cannot stand.”

The new policy, detailed in a 47-page internal document titled 'The Pursuit of Perpetual Positivity: A Strategic Imperative,' outlines a tiered system of compliance, including weekly 'Attitude Adjustment Workshops' and potential 'Negative Thought Compliance' audits for repeat offenders. Employees failing to meet their daily joy quota will face a 1.5% reduction in their 'Professional Enthusiasm Bonus' and may be required to attend remedial 'Smile-Training' sessions.

“It’s about fostering a culture where every interaction is a vibrant, unburdened celebration of corporate success,” explained Chad McOptimist, a junior associate in the Department of Proactive Bliss. “Frankly, I’m thrilled to be part of such a forward-thinking initiative. My joy levels are currently at 112%, well above target, and I haven't genuinely felt anything in weeks.”