NEW YORK, NY — Global conglomerate OmniCorp announced today the immediate termination of its entire 300-person 'Human Solutions' division, citing the imminent, though currently non-existent, capabilities of artificial intelligence. The move comes after a proprietary AI, codenamed 'Project Chimera,' reportedly generated a 500-page report detailing how it *could* theoretically automate every aspect of the department's work, pending several decades of development and a few trillion dollars in investment.
“We’re not waiting for the future; we’re proactively embracing it,” stated OmniCorp CEO Brenda Sterling in an internal memo. “While Project Chimera currently struggles with basic arithmetic and occasionally hallucinates an entire HR department staffed by sentient toasters, its long-term vision is undeniably compelling. We believe in the dream, and our employees understand that sometimes, progress requires… streamlining.”
Former 'Human Solutions' manager, Gary Peterson, expressed surprise. “My AI assistant can barely schedule a meeting without booking it for 3 AM on a Tuesday. Now I’m out of a job because some algorithm *said* it could do my job better? It’s like getting fired because a baby said it *might* be a better CEO in 30 years.”
Industry analysts suggest this trend of 'pre-emptive automation' could redefine corporate efficiency, allowing companies to shed labor costs years before any actual technological replacement is viable. OmniCorp’s stock reportedly surged 12% on the news, with investors praising the company’s visionary approach to hypothetical cost savings.
