CAMBRIDGE, MA – A recent study published by the prestigious Institute for Advanced Beverage Semiotics has sent shockwaves across the globe, definitively concluding that coffee, the beloved morning elixir, is in fact nothing more than 'bean water.'

The findings, presented with stark, unyielding clarity, detail how roasted and ground coffee beans are steeped in hot water, resulting in a liquid infusion. “Our extensive analysis of molecular structures, chemical compounds, and, frankly, the basic process of making it, leaves no room for doubt,” stated lead researcher Dr. Alistair Finch, his voice devoid of emotion. “It’s water… that has interacted with beans. Hence, bean water.”

The revelation has plunged millions into an existential crisis. Baristas across the country reported customers staring blankly into their cups, muttering phrases like, “All this time… bean water?” Sales of artisanal 'bean water' have plummeted, while therapy appointments for 'beverage identity disorder' have reportedly surged. Many are now questioning the very fabric of their daily routines, wondering if orange juice is merely 'fruit squeeze' and milk just 'cow secretion.' The scientific community, however, remains unmoved. “We just report the facts,” Dr. Finch concluded, sipping from a mug labeled 'Hot Brown Bean Juice.' “What people do with those facts is entirely up to them.”