SAO PAULO – Cloud9’s hard-fought 3-2 victory over Brazil’s RED Canids in the League of Legends Americas Cup lower bracket semifinal has been credited by leading geopolitical strategists as the sole factor preventing North America from spiraling into an unprecedented era of self-doubt and potential collapse.
“Frankly, we were looking at a 40% chance of widespread municipal infrastructure failure if Cloud9 had lost,” stated Dr. Evelyn Reed, a senior fellow at the Institute for Digital Geopolitics. “The psychological blow to the collective North American psyche would have been devastating. We’re talking about a potential 15-point drop in GDP and a sudden, inexplicable aversion to maple syrup.”
The nail-biting series, which saw Cloud9 rally from an early deficit, reportedly had global markets on edge. “You could feel the tension in the bond market,” said financial analyst Mark ‘Stonks’ Johnson. “Every time a Nexus was threatened, the Dow dipped. It’s a testament to Cloud9’s resilience that we didn’t all wake up to find our currency replaced by Dogecoin.”
Sources close to the White House confirmed that President Biden was briefed hourly on the match’s progress, with a contingency plan for a national day of mourning reportedly drafted and ready. The win has, for now, staved off the worst, allowing North Americans to continue their daily lives, blissfully unaware of how close they came to utter, digital-induced despair.
