WASHINGTON D.C. – Former President Bill Clinton confidently informed a congressional oversight committee Friday that his extensive interactions with the late Jeffrey Epstein were entirely above board, attributing his complete lack of suspicion regarding Epstein’s illicit activities to a 'flawless moral compass' and 'a truly remarkable capacity for selective observation.'

Clinton, who reportedly spent over five hours patiently explaining his perspective, maintained he saw 'absolutely no red flags whatsoever' during his numerous trips on Epstein's private jet, dubbed the 'Lolita Express.'

“My internal ethical radar, which has been meticulously calibrated over decades of public service, registered zero anomalies,” Clinton stated, according to sources close to the committee. “It’s simply a testament to my unwavering personal integrity that I could be so close to such a situation and remain utterly, blissfully unaware.”

Dr. Beatrice 'Bea' Haven, a Professor of Perceptual Ethics at the University of Unseeing, lauded Clinton’s unique cognitive abilities. “This isn't just denial; it’s a highly specialized form of moral scotoma,” Dr. Haven explained. “His brain appears to possess an unparalleled ability to filter out inconvenient truths, particularly when those truths might complicate a pleasant flight or a charming conversation.”

Committee Chair Representative Mildred O’Malley (D-Nebulous) expressed a mixture of awe and exasperation. “He described his relationship with Epstein as purely 'philanthropic networking.' Apparently, that network included a significant blind spot the size of a small island.”