WASHINGTON D.C. – The U.S. Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency (CISA), facing unprecedented budget cuts and a 37% reduction in its 'Digital Vigilance Taskforce,' announced today a revolutionary new defense strategy: the 'National Cyber-Empathy Initiative.' Officials confirm the agency will now rely primarily on collective positive thoughts and well-wishes to deter foreign hackers.

“Our data indicates that a robust spiritual defense is 1.4 times more effective than, say, a fully staffed incident response team,” stated Dr. Philomena 'Philly' Phishington, newly appointed Director of Quantum Wellness and Cyber-Aura Harmonization at CISA. “When a nation truly believes in the sanctity of its data, even the most sophisticated malware struggles to penetrate the collective consciousness.”

The agency's remaining 12 employees, now cross-trained in digital forensics and transcendental meditation, will lead daily 3 PM 'Cyber-Chants' aimed at creating an impenetrable psychic shield around critical infrastructure. Critics, including former Deputy Undersecretary for Obvious Security Measures, Bartholomew 'Barty' Byte, expressed concern. “While I appreciate the innovative spirit, our adversaries are using zero-day exploits, not bad juju,” Byte remarked from his new position as a greeter at a local electronics store. “Frankly, I thought the 'Sticky Note Password Reminder' program was a bigger risk.”

CISA maintains that this streamlined approach, which saves an estimated $47 million annually on 'unnecessary' hardware and human capital, positions the U.S. as a global leader in economically sustainable cyber defense.