LONDON – A groundbreaking report released Monday by the Institute for Extreme Leisure Activities (IELA) has officially crowned bare-knuckle boxing as the 'Safest Mainstream Sport,' citing an astonishing 100% participant retention rate of both hands, albeit sometimes in multiple pieces. The findings come as the sport continues its improbable ascent into the public consciousness, fueled by a new BBC documentary.

“Our longitudinal study, tracking 37 bare-knuckle pugilists over a 72-hour period, unequivocally demonstrates that no competitor has ever lost a hand during a sanctioned bout,” stated Dr. Percival 'Punchy' McMurdo, lead researcher and Professor of Applied Trauma Economics at the IELA. “While there is a statistically insignificant incidence of detached teeth, fractured orbital bones, and spontaneous cranial decompression, these are merely 'aesthetic adjustments' and not life-threatening in the traditional sense.”

The report highlights the sport's unique 'self-regulating' safety mechanisms. “When you can no longer see your opponent, or your opponent is no longer standing, the fight naturally concludes,” explained Brenda 'The Bruiser' Jenkins, a 4-time regional bare-knuckle champion and consultant for the study. “It’s incredibly intuitive. Plus, the sheer volume of blood acts as a natural lubricant, reducing friction injuries.”

Critics, often dismissed as 'gloved elitists,' argue that the sport's inherent brutality is a concern. However, Dr. McMurdo countered, “Compared to the emotional trauma of losing a fantasy football league, a broken jaw is a fleeting inconvenience. We believe bare-knuckle boxing fosters resilience, dental innovation, and a robust market for reconstructive surgery.” The IELA plans to next investigate the 'safety' of competitive alligator wrestling.