WASHINGTON D.C. – NASA scientists have confirmed that asteroids are not merely passive participants in the cosmic ballet of gravitational forces, but are, in fact, engaging in what researchers are calling 'cosmic prank wars.' Data from the Double Asteroid Redirection Test (DART) mission reveals that asteroids are deliberately flinging 'cosmic snowballs' and other debris at each other, slowly but surely redecorating their neighbors' surfaces over millions of years.
“We initially thought this was just random orbital mechanics,” explained Dr. Elara Vance, lead planetary defense strategist, during a press conference. “But the patterns of impact and material transfer strongly suggest intent. It’s like a galactic game of ding-dong ditch, but with rocks the size of small cities and timelines that make human history look like a blink.”
The findings have prompted a re-evaluation of planetary defense strategies. “How do you defend against a prank?” Dr. Vance mused. “Do we send a strongly worded letter? Threaten to tell their parents, the gas giants? This changes everything.”
Further analysis is underway to determine if any asteroids are specifically targeting Earth with their slow-motion, geological shenanigans, or if humanity is simply collateral damage in an eons-long celestial feud. NASA has not yet announced plans to develop a 'cosmic tattle-tale' satellite.
