BUDAPEST, HUNGARY – After meticulously unsealing a Roman-era sarcophagus preserved for nearly two millennia, archaeologists today announced their findings: the contents merely confirmed that humanity has been consistently making questionable decisions for a very long time. The highly anticipated opening, which many hoped would reveal ancient wisdom or perhaps a definitive curse, instead yielded artifacts consistent with historical records of general human folly.
“We were expecting a plague, perhaps a scroll detailing the secret to eternal youth, or at the very least, a definitive answer to why empires fall,” stated Dr. Elara Vance, lead archaeologist on the project. “Instead, we found what appears to be a very ornate, very old ‘I told you so’ note, alongside a collection of what we believe are early prototypes for pyramid schemes and a rudimentary, yet surprisingly effective, system for blaming foreign scapegoats.”
The team had initially speculated that the sarcophagus’s molten lead seal indicated a powerful, dangerous entity within. However, further analysis suggests the lead was primarily used to prevent the occupant from escaping the consequences of their own bad ideas. “It seems they were just as prone to self-sabotage and tribalism as we are,” added Dr. Vance, holding up what appeared to be a petrified 'Live, Laugh, Love' plaque from the 3rd century AD.
Experts now believe the sarcophagus was less a tomb and more a time capsule designed to remind future generations that, historically, things have always been this way.
