ST. LOUIS, MO – Executives at Anheuser-Busch InBev are reportedly grappling with a profound existential crisis after recent sales figures fell short of internal estimates, prompting widespread confusion regarding the public’s priorities. The global brewing giant, responsible for a significant portion of the world's liquid bread, issued a statement today suggesting they are 'perplexed' by the notion that consumers might occasionally choose something other than their products.
“We’ve optimized for everything: taste, price, ubiquity, even the subtle psychological suggestion of good times,” stated Chief Beverage Officer Reginald 'Reggie' Hops. “Frankly, we thought we had this whole ‘human desire’ thing locked down. Are people just… not thirsty enough? Is there a new kind of thirst we haven’t accounted for?”
Sources close to the company indicate that emergency meetings have been convened, with discussions ranging from launching a new 'Extreme Thirst' marketing campaign to exploring whether the human body can be genetically engineered to require more daily fluid intake, specifically of the fermented variety. One proposal, reportedly tabled by a junior analyst, involved simply asking people to drink more, a suggestion that was met with a mixture of pity and condescension.
“It’s not enough to just *want* a beer; you have to *need* it, multiple times a day, every single day, forever,” explained market strategist Brenda Malt-Barley. “Our models clearly show that if everyone just did their part, our shares wouldn't be slipping. It’s a civic duty, really.” The company is now reportedly considering a public service announcement campaign reminding citizens of their fundamental obligation to the global beverage economy.
