LOS ANGELES, CA — In a move hailed by industry insiders as “inevitable,” the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences today unveiled plans for a new “Pre-Award Ceremony,” designed to officially crown the year’s most obvious frontrunners weeks before the main event. The inaugural ceremony, tentatively scheduled for early March, will feature a select panel of prognosticators, statisticians, and a particularly well-informed golden retriever, who will collectively rubber-stamp the two films universally acknowledged to be in contention for every major prize.

“Frankly, it’s just more efficient,” stated Academy spokesperson Brenda Albright, adjusting her sequined face mask. “Why drag out the suspense when everyone with a pulse and an internet connection already knows how it’s going to go? This way, we can get the acceptance speeches out of the way, let the winners enjoy their moment, and then use the actual Oscar night for what it’s truly meant for: networking, fashion critiques, and trying to remember who half these people are.”

The Pre-Award Ceremony is expected to be a much shorter affair, featuring only two categories: “Most Likely to Win Everything” and “Also Nominated, Bless Their Hearts.” Sources close to the Academy suggest this year’s “Most Likely” trophy is already being engraved with the names of two films that have dominated critical conversations and betting odds since last autumn. “It’s about respecting the audience’s time,” added Albright. “And honestly, our caterers are getting tired of making tiny quiches for three months straight.”

Critics of the new system argue it further diminishes the perceived integrity of the awards. However, one anonymous Academy voter countered, “Integrity? Honey, we’re talking about movies. The integrity left when they started giving out participation trophies for best visual effects.”